~~ [Post 6] - Can you try? ~~

Ok, so, as I was wondering what to write next, I remembered that, long long ago, there was a comment from a fellow blogger about how she wanted me to write on working mom's tale or on the guilt trips that we working moms often take.

So here goes my thoughts on the same.

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I had never planned how it was going to be. Never even realized that it was going to be so tough. Moms all around and especially my mom seemed to be doing it all fine all by themselves. And so when people kept telling me to enjoy the pregnancy phase as much as I could as I wouldn't ever get such me-hours later in life, I would look at them and wonder, what on earth did they mean? I always believed that things will be back to where it was pre-pregnancy once I delivered the baby. So naive and stupid, I know. I still remember the last day just before going on ML where my manager asked me my plans of joining back work and I told him, I will be back in 4 months. He grinned and said, everyone says that, but people seldom come back within 4 months. And I didn't understand then that he was actually right, for most moms are not able to be back within 4 months, for whatever reasons. I re-iterated that its not going to happen with me and I will be coming back in 4 months. Well, only to report back to him after 10 months :P

So, you feel responsible the day you know you are carrying this teeny tiny being within you. You take care of yourself like never before. Everyone else takes care of you like never before. And, much as you feel you are all set, believe me, nothing actually prepares you for the moment when the practicality dawns on you that you are responsible for this lovely tiny human who is handed over to you for the first time. Well, to be more honest, its the first sleepless night that gives you the glimpse of busy life ahead and that's when you actually realise what all those lovely people meant when they 

asked you to enjoy your pregnancy phase.

I had a very eventful post delivery period and was so very busy that I needed people to remind me now and then that I need to get back to work someday. If not forced by circumstances that made me join back reluctantly, I would have used the 12 months ML completely even if it meant 8 months of LOP. Yes, the leave of absence did affect my career graph drastically and made me shift my focus from what I wanted to do to in my till-then-great-career to what can I grab from available options, but if you ask me, I have absolutely no regrets. Given a choice, I would have still opted those 2 months of ML-LOP to be with the little one as much as I could and would have joined back to figure out what next later. Motherhood transforms you in a way which cannot be explained in mere words.

Now, I am sure all working moms reading this would agree. Getting back to work for a mom, how many ever months the baby currently is, is not very easy. The decision to leave your dependent little one behind, with anyone (and I need to stress on this, because that's another debate that working moms are subject to, it actually doesn't matter who you are leaving the baby with, its about leaving the baby that matters) is not an easy choice. Yet many moms do this. For reasons of their own.

The very first day I came to office to report back from ML, I met my old project mates and as I was talking about my baby, my eyes brimmed with tears, as I instinctively tried to imagine my little one back at home and the helpless feeling of how clueless she would feel when she would not find her Amma around. One from the group noticed it and though she didn't say anything then, didn't ask me anything then, she sent me a message later when I was travelling back home - "Don't worry. This too shall pass". That's when it dawned on me, that, every working mom goes through this phase. My mom probably did too. Believe me, it doesn't exist as a guilt, not initially, just a giant hesitation, a strong emotional pull of wanting to be always there for the baby, to be able to be available to tend to everything that the baby needs, this magnetic instinctive desire to be able to cater to every single need of the baby. It is the strongest when the time comes for you to decide what next.

The one thing that turns this pure involuntary normal emotion into guilt, are the people around, who, I would like to believe do it with a very good intent, end up asking so many questions funneling the already-in-dilemma mom into a more vicious cycle of unnecessary am-I-doing-the-right-thing oriented guilt trips.

For instance, say, you were working before delivery, and you have still not joined back work, and your baby has crossed say, X months(now this X varies with every well meaning person who questions you) - and you have taken your baby out for an interesting walk around your locality or you are in a park smiling at your baby's ooh's and aah's as the baby gazes at almost everything with amazement, or you are attending a family function, well, you get the drift and you make a simple mistake of smiling at this person who has been looking at you, anticipating to initiate discussion, and as soon as you smile, out of nowhere, pop comes the question -

"When are you joining back work?"

Now, its a tricky question and after a lot of trial and error, I have figured out, the safest set of responses are " I dont know " or "Lets see" or "Yet to decide" or "When do you think is the right time?" :P and it still doesn't guarantee that you will be spared, but its worth a try. There was a phase before I finalized on these answers and mostly the conversations went this way

"Hmmm, Baby still needs me, Baby is small"

Response - " What!!! Baby is small? Look how big she is? If you do this, she will be always very dependent, you've to let them be independent, that's when they will learn, not hold onto them, blah blah blah, dont worry, I am there, just join back as soon as possible, I will take care, Okay?.. you know, that aunt's uncle's daughter's friend's daughter-in-law joined back when baby was as old as your baby, actually younger, I am sure you can also do that...."

and

suppose if I had said - "Hmmm, planning to join soon, maybe in 2 - 3 weeks"

Response - " What!!!! Baby is still so small. If you do this, it will upset her emotional well being, you've to give them unconditional love at this age. Not go behind some job and career, blah blah blah, jobs will be there always, babies will not remain babies, make the most of it now, Okay? You know, that aunt's uncle's daughter's friend's daughter just quit her job to take care of her baby. Such a nice woman, no? Has her priorities in the right place. I am sure Mr earns as much as you need. Why do you even need to work?"

See what happened. Believe me, similar conversations have happened with me. In most cases, though not actually guilty, I was taken for a ride. And this is just one of the examples. As soon as you become a mom, each and everything you do, comes under a scanning radar, where whichever version of answer you chose for a question thrown at you, believe me, you're always wrong, because, hey, why not, you have given that freedom to everyone around you to question your life, just because, you chose to become a mom.

I deliberately left out mentioning a "working" mom in my previous paragraph, because, I am pretty sure, stay at home moms do not have it easy either. I sometimes feel, they have it more difficult, what with them being constantly compared with their working counterparts, constantly being told that the aunt's uncle's daughter's friend's daughter's neighbor is able to manage everything so beautifully even if she is working and moreover she is able to also support in the family's finances!

One other very popular question among working moms is "Why is your baby so thin?" I have already written a post on this and did share it with as many people as I could, without trying to offend them (yes, moms tend to offend people, by default), who have the same question to me every time, and guess what, the question still prevails. I have decided, the next time anyone asks me this, I am going to say, yes, that's how I am getting fatter by the day, I eat out of her plate, I am eternally hungry, give me your plate of food too, please!

Each of these normally-not-harmful-not-intended-to-be-hurtful questions sets in motion the thought process of am-I-doing-the-right-thing and thus lays the foundation of every single guilt trip these moms keep taking throughout their mommy life. Ignoring these questions is the best way to deal with it. And I keep telling this to myself and sometimes to other moms, to not care about what others think, to just smile at them and do what is right for us and our family. But who am I kidding here, ignoring also gets hard after sometime.

But, I also want to know from you, can we as a generation stop this unnecessary questioning & comparison? Believe me, even we question/compare at times, unconsciously, in the name of thinking of good for others. I have made it a point, not to ask such uncomfortable questions to any woman, be it a working mom, a stay at home mom, a single mom, a woman with no kids yet or even a woman who doesn't want to have kids, unless she herself is willing to share a slice of her life, about the choices she has made for her life, for her family. Its her life and she has got every right to choose something the way she has chosen and we have no right to decide or judge whether it is right or wrong. We haven't gone through the path she has, we haven't lived her life. Its important to understand that, though for you, it looks as the easier way out, her decision, couldn't have been a simpler one.

Can we respect that? Respect our boundaries and let the woman live guilt free!

I have made it a point to try, Can you?

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P.S:  The words in bold has a hyperlink pointing to another post. If you are interested, you can read it too :)