~~Let Go~~

Let go – One of the most difficult things to do! Have you ever tried? Like, in the true sense & without shedding even one tear of sorrow? Have you been able to? If yes, please tell me how…  

It’s been years now! It was a mistake committed due to a foolish girly impulse – well, I guess you could call it a mistake if it was done just once – but what would you call something which is repeated repeatedly over the years, with absolute still-water clarity, that you would end up in a situation where you would someday have to just let it go, never utilized!!

Believe me, whoever said that one would be stronger once one can let go, probably never had to let go of anything ever! But well, in a way, that quote does seem right, you see, it doesn't take much to hang on to someone/something, but it takes tremendous amount of strength, will power & effort to just let go!!  

In the past few years, every once in a while, I would retrospect on why things did not work out the way it should have? What went wrong? How could I go back in time and correct things, so I didn't have to go through this? So many unanswered questions!!  There were days, when the nagging guilt crept in silently from nowhere – and I just couldn't eat even a morsel of my once favorite ghee laden meal. Then, there were those shopping days, when even if every cell in me just wanted to just go grab those polka dotted tops, beautifully printed kurtas & embroidered anarkali suits, I would just end up window shopping; Courtesy: Guilt trip again !!! I couldn't do anything because I was to choose either to live with the guilt & stay faithful to the mistake(s) or acknowledge the reality & move on!

Let go & move on, how I dislike these words!

Agreed that there were multiple chances for things to improve! There were many a things that I had tried too, but in vain or wait, probably, I just didn't have that perseverance to stick through it! I really don’t know!

On the other side, I very well knew that there would be positive outcomes of letting go!! First of all, all the clutter that had been around for years mocking at me for salvation would be gone! I would have enough space for myself and a clear conscience for the ones that might want to share that space in future! I would feel a lot better when I eat anything I want and buy things that I want – No one back home to mock at me & induce me to go on a free guilt trip all over again!  And, best of all, I knew, that though I couldn't make it work, there would be someone who would be able to and succeed in staying happily ever after (if only, for some time)!!

So, this Monday, on Feb 9th 2015, after having waited for these many years with hope, accumulating memories, secretly wishing for things to change, trying every possible way, coaxing mom for more space (believe me, my mom was the most affected of all) – I finally made up my mind to clear the mess & bring some kind of closure to everyone involved!

I LET GO.  Yes, I did! It was unbearably painful, terribly heartbreaking & of course, involved tears!  But then I had to do it!

Adieu, my super-cute, super-beautiful & brand new my-size-minus-one-or-minus-two clothes!!! You will be genuinely missed – I wish you well & with all my heart, hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve!

Background: It’s not news that I am trying to lose weight if you have read my previous post! I was holding on to so many clothes that I used to fit in a few years back! I have also gone on shopping sprees when my weighing scales showed about a kg dip just to realize in a month that I have put on 2 more and won’t fit in those new clothes anymore..  I had filled my closet with so many never-to-be-used-in-near-or-far-god-only-knows-future clothes and on top of that, I kept pestering my mom that I needed more space. Finally my mom couldn't take it anymore and issued a final ultimatum that either I have to let go of those clothes or grow thin faster to fit in those, and then, rest of the story, well you know!!!

~~Of New Year Resolutions~~

Originally written on 22nd January 2015 -- Syncing up here today...

 

So, on 22nd Jan, as I was going through my resolution lists over the past few years, I noticed the trend of top 3 (obviously, signifying priority) resolutions, being carried over to the next year, EVERY TIME! I seem to have done justice to almost every other resolution that I have had on my list except those appropriately prioritized top 3… After a lot of thought provoking thinking :P & a small prayer, I made up mind that it’s going to be only these 3 resolutions on my list this year!

 

Lose weight – Though it’s probably time to accept the fat, oops, fact that this one’s to stay for years to come – I don’t want to give up now, particularly, after I noticed that part of the problem is aiming for an almost impossible target! This time, I am planning to set a realistic goal and be the slow and steady, but disciplined tortoise to achieve a practical goal! Let’s see how it goes!

 

Learn to drive a 2 wheeler – I prepared myself (mentally) for months in 2014 and finally mustered the courage one fine night (well, now when I think about it, I guess daylight wouldn’t have made any difference, except to have added more humiliation  ) to let my brother teach me how to drive a 2 –wheeler – all that months of preparation just to end up in a clinic for a tetanus shot (and thankfully, no stitches) after may be, say, just 5-6 minutes! All I remember is settling comfortably on the seat and holding the scooty’s handle. A whooshing sound effect later (topped by my brother shouting “Let go, Let go” which probably my over-confident-mind interpreted as “Let’s go, Let’s go” ), I found myself standing in a ditch (clean one btw) holding a rusty barbed wire fencing with my scooty kissing the wall…. And my brother? While I was there grinning stupidly with my bleeding hand, he was busy saving his honor explaining the mini crowd which had gathered, that he was not the reason for all the commotion & he MOST DEFINITELY was not the one driving  ... Brothers, I tell you

After this fiasco, I have a new found respect for every one out there who drives a 2 wheeler!

 

My brother offered to teach me during his next visit home – But then, thankfully, he got engaged during his next visit & busy that he was, probably forgot all about it & I, on the other hand, was more than happy not to remind him of his assurance!

 

So, this time, to save myself from more embarrassment I am planning to enroll myself for driving classes in the next quarter (the later I start, that better for everyone-else-on-the-road )!

 

Re-learn (whatever that means) a 4 wheeler – Technically speaking, I actually (should) know how to drive a car, well; they don’t give you a license without you passing the driving test right? And maybe I do know how to, as I have successfully managed to drive within my office campus in US and the car didn’t end up being totalled! But, after coming back, I have never been confident enough, to even try driving. And well, call it being scared, apprehensive, anxious or may be excessively responsible, I do not want to try without going through another round of KT (or the Reverse KT)! I am planning to enroll myself for some refresher courses soon!! Do wish a great deal of luck for the instructor & for-everyone-else-on-the-road.

 

I will also post a Quarterly progress report on each of these resolutions, I know, I know, you might not be interested, but I need to do this to ensure I have that strong commitment to stick to the plan!

 

Let’s hope 2015 is going to be MY year to achieve these ever-elusive top 3 resolutions